Holiday FAQ

My dear students, As of late, I have been inundated with many of your questions. I assume that this has some relationship to the holiday season. I have compiled a list of these questions as well as others I have anticipated. If you have any questions, please consult this FAQ first. 1. Can we just sit around and talk? No. 2. Can we do something fun? Prepping for the SAT can be fun, you just need to change your attitude. 3. When are we going to the computer lab? If I said that we are going to the computer lab, I promise you that we will eventually arrive at the computer lab. Please do not ask any more questions; if we are not at the computer lab at this very second, it is because we are not finished with whatever I had planned. If I have not said that we are going to the computer lab, then we are not going to the computer lab. 4. That isn't fair. First of all, this is not a question. Second of all, you are correct. Nothing about school is fair. You have to dress according to the dress code. You have to obey your teachers. You get a free education at the expense of adults who go and work. You get to learn in a safe, moderately comfortable environment. This is not fair. If you want, though, I will put a requisition in to transfer you to a labor camp in another country. 5. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes. But only because my wife makes me. If my wife didn't make me, my mother would make me. 6. Are you some sort of atheist then? No. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. If you wish to know more about my own beliefs, please ask me after class. This is not an appropriate topic for our class during class time. 7. If you celebrate Christmas, can you give us no homework as a Christmas present? First of all, if I gave you a Christmas present, I would also have to give out a Hanukkah present, a Kwanzaa present, and perhaps a Ramadan present. In an effort to be equitable, I will not give out any presents. Second of all, you are assuming that no homework is a good thing. You are wrong. Homework reinforces principles learned in the classroom. Please remember that you signed up for this class; many other students dropped this class during the first week. For whatever reason, you chose to stay. 8. Can I go to the bathroom? Yes. Please remember that I will deduct a participation point for that. 9. Can I go down the hall and get a bottle of water? I am really thirsty. Yes. Please remember that I will deduct a participation point for that. 10. I have permission from my parents/another school administrator/my legal guardian to leave class early. May I go? Yes. 11. I have a medical emergency. May I go see the nurse? Yes. 12. I would like to do something that

• is not required to save my own life or the lives of others
• has little or no relationship to preparing for the SAT

May I do this? No. 13. I would like to do something that

• is required to save my own life or the lives of others
• has a direct relationship to my success on the SAT

May I do this? Yes. 14. Why are you so mean? Yes. 15. Do you hate us? No. I enjoy teaching this class very much.

A New Beginning: The Cabinet of Justice

Good day to you, my fellow Americans. It is with great joy and satisfaction that I officially announce my bid for presidency. I am a bit late for the 2008 election (even though it is still 2008) so my campaign staff and I have set our sights on 2012. With respect to the 2008 election, then, I concede to Barack Obama. Our president-elect has a heavy and arduous task ahead of him. One of the benefits of conceding now is that I will not have to clean up this mess and can jump on the bandwagon of prosperity in being the president in 2012. So I think I get the silver medal this time around. Sorry Senator McCain. The next four years will be tough. Through this blog, you will be given insight into my monstrous and obfuscated mind. It will be easy to see how I make decisions and how I don't make undecisions. Through this process of looking at latin letters and relying on skills learned as a child (aka reading), you will develop a taste for the kind of president I yearn to become. I promise you, fellow Americans, that I will not let you down in my quest to make you think the same way I do. This blog will continue as it always has: as a poetic reflection of my life. But once in a while, I will indulge you, fellow Americans, by giving you some political analysis on how we can, together, change the future by changing tomorrow. President-elect Barack Obama is forming his cabinet as we speak. As president-elect-elect, I am also forming my cabinet as I speak. Since I get first pick, I choose Barack Obama as my vice-president. Oh, it's my turn now? OK, now I pick Hillary Clinton as my vice-vice-president. This way I don't think I will lose; since they're running with me, they can't run against me. Rounding out my cabinet, I pick Janice as my campaign manager, Felicity as Ultimate First Lady, Reggie White as my Minister of Defense, Tim as First Settler of Catan, and Sam as Superhero Liason. The last position undoubtedly requires explanation. Hollywood continues to show us various technologies that the military has begun to prototype. Even though Hollywood often exaggerates the abilities of such technology, there is no doubt that such technology exists. A wise philosopher once said: "I think it, therefore it is!" Lately, I have noticed a greater number of movies advocating Book-To-Real-Life technology as a plot device. This is clearly a nascent technology but the potential is boundless. Imagine converting a Superman comic book or a Batman comic book. Or even a My Little Pony comic book. As we look forward to 2012, we cannot be without someone who will interact with these heroes and ponies, persuading them to join our cause. Sam is our man. He has read a lot of comic books. I mean a lot. We're probably tied in terms of comic book reading, but he might have the lead on me by a page or so. Plus, if I'm president I can't read comic books. Fellow Americans, judge me not by my words as I venture forth to become president in 2012 with the Cabinet of Justice. Instead think back in your life to a time when you were in great need. And then someone came along and helped you without you expecting it. No doubt feelings of joy, gratitude, and hope filled your heart. Now pretend I am that person and judge me with those same feelings. Now convince others to do that too and we, together, can build a better tomorrow. Yes we can!

I'm Famous

It's been a rough week. My three-hour hearing went alright. I didn't really get why the commissioner was so mad at me. I mean, all I did was go down to Ennis, teach my class, come back up to Dallas and tutor some more students. Sheesh. Then the Red Wings and Leafs started hating too. Whatever. So it looks like even though I said I was sorry, I'm done for here. I guess I'll be going to China soon. I don't know anything at all about hockey, but Sean Avery doesn't seem like a very nice guy. He's seems like the kind of guy that would pick on me in junior high (Sean Dabel) and high school (Matt Childers). Anyways, I must admit, though, I was thrilled when I saw that a rule was named after me (Sean Avery actually). The background behind the story seems like something I would do. I remember having this same feeling (the feeling of famousness) when Steve Avery was pitching for the Braves in the World Series (in the early 90's). Hearing the announcer say "...aaand Avery winds up for the pitch..." always gave me a thrill. Part of it comes from having a (relatively) unique name; I loved reading about Avery Johnson, both as a Warrior and a Dallas Mavs coach. I leave you, fair reader, with some good news about me. Ah, the good old days!