Funeral music

I usually don't like reading posts about music. Our response to music is highly contextual. If you're feeling sad that day, then a melancholy John Mayer piece might be the greatest thing on earth, but if you need something to get you going in your workout, the latest Yanni might not do it for you. But I'm going to take a chance. Recently, I had a chance to re-listen to some old songs that I hadn't heard in a long time. As I came across this one piece I decided that this piece was something that I'd like to be played at my funeral. Since music is highly contextual, I'd ask that you imagine yourself in a place of quiet and tranquility. People are gathered, forced to ponder questions about life and hope. The mood is somber and as you look around you find yourself melting into a sea of black and grey. I especially like the beginning; it's got this quiet, mysterious feeling to it. If you're reading this and you are asked to give some input into the music at my funeral, please choose this one. Thanks!

Dirty

Being clean is a dream. And I'm not just talking about here. Sure, people here routinely spit on the sidewalk. They'll pick their nose, roll up and flick the boogers, and then offer to shake your hand. Little kids run around in split pants, pooping and peeing everywhere. It's a little disturbing, actually, since you realize these kids sit everywhere that you might sit: on benches, on restaurant chairs, in a taxi. The other day, something big left a present in our stairwell. The stench was suffocating, there were flies everywhere. We didn't examine the evidence too closely, but I'm pretty sure it was an adult. So, at first glance, maybe it's pretty clear to you what I mean when I say "Being clean is a dream." But what I mean is that you really can't be clean, here or anywhere else for that matter. And lest you think I'm alluding to some sort of deeper, metaphysical meaning, I'm not. What I am trying to say is that it is impossible to be physically clean. When we talk about being clean, it is always relative to something. When I talk about whether I am clean, I'm comparing my current state to the state I'm in after taking a shower. But is that truly clean? What does it mean to be clean? If being clean means removing every speck of dirt, poop, sweat, booger, and dead particle from my body, I'm pretty sure that I'm not clean. I'm just not that thorough. Even if you used this as the standard of being clean (which is moderately low) and told me that you exceeded it, I would tell you, after you exfoliated with a pumice stone, after you filed your nails, after you trimmed your nose hairs and blew your nose, after you plucked various places on your body, after you applied Old Spice to your underarms, after all of this, I would still tell you that you weren't clean. If you are a human being, your body is in a constant state of regeneration and production. It is making new skin, new hair, new mucus; all to protect us. Our body is also constantly flushing out things that will harm us: that's why we spit, poop, pee, sweat. And all of this stuff is the stuff we are constantly try to get rid of in order to be clean. So, the moment you stop plucking, trimming, washing, rinsing, wiping, shaving, exfoliating, scrubbing, you're dirty all over again. And, I guess, to be human is to be in a state of unclean. In evaluating whether someone is clean, what we are really trying to figure out is: Is this person as clean as I think a person should be clean? When you're in a place where everyone (or you assume everyone) shares your sense of being clean, it's not much of an issue. But in the past year, it's become more of an issue for me. I've noticed that I have started to notice people smells around me, usually commenting on them, in my head or aloud, in the negative (like I don't have a smell). Or talking about how dirty outside is (like I'm not dirty). It's painful to admit, but most of the time, I'm more interested in pursuing a dreamy, unreasonable, even hypocritical ideal of clean. I'm more interested in examining someone to see if they have dirt and smelling them to see if they have an odor, more than being with someone that is like me: dirty and human, more than knowing them and embracing their humanity. I'm not saying that showering is wrong. Or that we shouldn't spend any time grooming. Or that exfoliating your skin is somehow a tool of the devil. It's a good thing to be, relatively, clean. But when I develop a horror and aversion to someone because of their perceived uncleanliness, when I am unable to pursue a relationship with them, to interact with them because I'm afraid of getting my apartment dirty, if this becomes the obstacle in knowing them… Perhaps this is why the story of Christ is so powerful. Here is a person that was clean, not just without sin, but clean in every sense of the word. He didn't smell bad, there wasn't any dirt on him. And then he became human. When we talk about loving Him and embracing Him, would we be so eager to have Him speak directly into our face, knowing that He didn't have access to a Sonicare toothbrush or Colgate Icy Mint toothpaste? Would we be put off shaking His hand, knowing He had just walked for days sweating profusely under an unrelenting sun, knowing that there wasn't a toilet paper roll to be found anywhere for thousands of miles or thousands of years? Would we cringe as He embraced us, knowing that He had touched lepers and beggars? I would hope that I wouldn't, but I'm ashamed to say that I think I would.

Mmm. Haterade.

The Yankees. USC. The Lakers. The Celtics. North Korea's soccer team. Any team with Terrell Owens. The Patriots. The Cowboys. Any team owned by Al Davis.

The best part about watching some of these teams play is relishing in the loss. Seeing the disappointment in their athletic achievement is an ice-cold refreshing glass of Haterade. The experience is enhanced when you've got two of these teams playing one another so you know that one of them has to lose. I now officially welcome the Miami Heat to the menu of teams that I will love to hate.

I'm definitely not one of those guys that hopes athletes get hurt playing. No way, my friend. That kind of Haterade be way too strong. Plus, you don't want a guy to say stuff like: "Oh, I was hurt. If I was healthy we would have had a chance." You want the circle to be complete; you want the guy to try his hardest but fail in the most spectacular fashion, completely helpless in his own physical ability to prevent defeat.

This is why the neighborhood kids didn't like to play with me.

I was talking to an Ohioan about the King. He was convinced he was going to stay in Cleveland because he felt that LeBron wanted to win a championship in Cleveland and that Cleveland was really close to putting together a championship team. He also felt that Cleveland could offer LeBron the kind of money other places couldn't. The latter was true but I pointed out that LeBron probably had more money than he could spend, so it couldn't be all about the Benjamins. So he went back to talking about how even if the King wanted to be the Lord of the Rings, Cleveland was the best place to do it. I thought for sure that James was going to the Knicks, if they could put together the right team, but when I heard about Bosh and Wade being in Miami I thought that was where LeBron would go. Nothing stunning here, since LeBron already said he's going to Miami, but I thought I'd just drop that piece of wisdom for you. Like I'm so smart I can predict things that have already happened.

The problem with putting all these superstars together is that they have to win a championship. It's the way I felt when the Celtics put together their team. It's going to be fun watching the Heat, because I'm pretty sure all the other teams in the NBA are going to be pretty amped up to play them. So thanks, Miami, for expanding my menu selection. All I can think of is how many delicious cases of Haterade are just chilling in the fridge, waiting for next season to start.

While we're on the topic of basketball, I'd like to thank Chris Cohan for failing financially so that he now is looking for a buyer for the Warriors. Not only have you made the past 10 years great in terms of consistently giving me low expectations, but you've prevented the Warriors from being on any list of teams that people love to hate!