Steve and the Crazy Man

Everyone is reminiscing on their Steve Jobs stories. I have one to share too, but unlike the others, it's more about what didn't happen.

One little known fact is that I used to work at Apple, back when it was Apple Computer. I was a software engineer working for the International Text Group (ITG). I had been an Apple fanboy since I was a wee lad and this was pretty much a dream come true. I learned a ton: font formats, typography and daylight savings time just scratched the surface. Working at Apple was awesome.

(Sidenote: The reason why I try to keep this on the down-low is that people assume that since I worked at Apple and was a computer programmer, that someone how I could fix their computer. Does anyone ask the worker dishing up fries at McDonald's how to plant potatoes? How about asking a plumber about doing a colonoscopy? Do you have a problem with your computer? I might be able to help, but your best bet is to ask the Chipmunkgeek .)

Anyways, onto my encounter with Steve. I was leaving the office late one night. In those days, the ITG was located right above a top-secret area where a lot of top-secret secrets were kept very top-secretly. I knew it was top-secret because you needed a special key card to open the door to the area and everyone that entered into the area would do the "is-a-crazy-man-following-me" look-around before entering. Steve was waiting in the lobby right outside of the door to the top-secret area that evening. As I came out the elevator, I saw him fiddling with the iMac that they had on a desk for people to sign-in.

You know that crazy man that they're always looking for before they go into the top-secret area? At this point, I became that man. I thought to myself: "Hey, there's Steve Jobs! What if I went up to him and just started punching him in his face!?" I was seriously insane. It got even better worse. The crazy man continued: "Man, I'd be famous! I'd get on Slashdot and MacWorld." Fortunately, the conversation in my slowly-becoming-sane mind took a turn for the better:"Then I'd get arrested. I'd get fired. I'd spend a lot of time in court. Man, I'm hungry. I just want to get something to eat." So I quickly walked by Steve. I left him with his face intact; he left me with my life unscathed.

So there's my brush with greatness. Thanks Steve! Because of you I have no memories of going to court or spending time in jail.

How to give birth

Giving birth is so easy. Millions of women do it every day. If you are a woman and trying to learn how to give birth, I recommend googling "How to give birth". For the rest of us, I am writing this for you.

The Wolf in her natural habitat. Eyes closed means she is thinking about how to wake me up at 3 am.

As a side note, I am a new dad. When people have children, sometimes everything becomes centered around their new child. They start taking pictures when they never took pictures before. They start wearing onesies and drinking breast-milk. The blogs that they started to write about their own lives magically transform into an unauthorized biography on someone learning to poop in a large porcelain bowl. This is understandable. But fear not, faithful reader, I will be faithful to you in the purposes of this blog. This blog is about me. Sometimes I will write something about the Wolf. But when I do it will be about mostly about me and not so much about her.

But onto how to give birth. The following are rules that I've learned about giving birth.

Place towels on the floor. When the Baby Factory is in labor, she is very juicy. So that you do not slip and fall, please place towels everywhere. Is this disgusting? Yes. Will it save your life? Maybe.

Welcome your new family member with open arms. What? You think I am talking about the new child? I am not. I am talking about the new relationship that you will have that will save your marriage and prevent your uterus from exploding. (Yes, men have uteruses too. They are spiritual uteruses and they're somewhere in between your stomach and your bladder.) I am talking about our friend Epidural, a friend so kind and gracious that we've made him an official family member! "But wait," you object, "isn't Epidural bad for the baby? It's an unnatural way to give birth!" Friend, do you know what is unnatural? The screams of pain that convulse in the bowels of the uterus that shatter your eardrums. If you have no nerves in your uterus, then I heartily congratulate you and encourage you not to have one. But for the rest of us (men included), I will openly welcome the needle in the spine. Coincidentally I try to have one everyday to dull the pain of the Wolf howling in my brain.

Learn to lie. Sometimes, when the Baby Factory is at work, she will say stuff like: "I'm never going to have this baby." or stuff like: "I can't go on." At this point it is best to say encouraging things like:

• "What? It's about to come out. Don't give up now!"
• "This is the last push you'll have to do" (and then mumble quickly, "For the next 20 seconds").
• "No, no. I know you have enough energy. Here, I'll push with you." This is actually really weird but if it works, then say it.

Honestly, at this point, your job is to make sure that she just keeps pushing. So this is one of those times in life where you can say anything as long as it accomplishes your means.

The baby is freakishly scary right after giving birth. The Wolf was all bloody and screaming and blue. Did I want to hold her? No. Is that mean? No. I did want to hold her after they had sterilized her, changed her color, and gave me earplugs, but the Baby Factory got to hold her first. I am not sorry that I did not hold her right after birth. Really gross. And yes, I accept the award for 'Worst Father Ever'.

I get really grumpy if I don't have enough sleep. The Boss has noted that I am supernaturally grumpy. This, I think, is my gift. But I get really grumpy when I don't get enough sleep. The Wolf enhances my superpower.

All in all, a very successful time at the hospital. I got to watch a lot of t.v. and eat some pretty decent food. If you've come to the end of this entry (which you have because you are reading this right now), you now know everything I know about what it is like to give birth. Congratulations.

Birther class

My future child will no doubt one day run for president. On that day, there will be millions that will claim that she is not a natural-born citizen of the United States. There will be some theories that will allege she was born in Kenya, not to US citizens living abroad, or that her birth certificate is a forgery. That may be the price my child will have to bear; I hope I can prepare her well for this.

I took an initial step into preparing myself for my child's grand entrance into the world. It is difficult, sometimes, to attend a class that is essentially about all the words I snicker to myself in private: pee pee, poo poo, vagina, penis, anus. But I was willing to bear this price for several reasons:

1. I know nothing about bearing children. I learned a lot today. I just needed some basic information on what to expect and how to know when to get the Boss to the hospital (and when to tell that she is just messing around).
2. I wanted to be able laugh, in an immature and junior-high like way, at the content.
3. I knew the three of you reading would find this amusing.

But I digress. We spent ten hours in class. It was good. My success is your success. Here's what I learned; now you don't have to go. (BTW, I recommend taking a birther class. It's way better than reading this blog entry.) If you want to know the fundamental, foundational basics about child birthing, though, here they are:

1. Go to the hospital when the contractions are around a minute long (or longer) and five minutes (or less) apart.
2. Decide what you'll do when you have an option for a cesarean and/or epidural.
3. Be nice to your wife.

The rest of the stuff is just icing on the cake.

I learned about how the baby is developing in it's own toilet. The teacher said: "The baby has it pretty good in there. It doesn't have to eat. It doesn't have to poo. The baby is actually peeing into a water balloon. Where does it go? No where." That doesn't sound good to me at all. If there are two things I like to do it's eating and pooing. Eating is one of the most awesome sports invented. This sport is so popular, it will be hard for you to find someone that doesn't know how to eat. Pooing is nice because it smells bad, which tells me what I ate was delicious (and made out of meat). It is also nice because it tells me that my body is ready to eat some more.

I learned that having a baby is basically like blowing your nose. "The cervix forms a booger that blocks stuff from getting to the baby.The cervix has cells that make mucus. Like your nose." A little bit later I was told that the booger comes out when your wife is ready to give birth: "The mucus plug looks like you've blown your nose." At this point I began considering 'Cervix' as a boy's name.

I also learned that having a baby is like going poop. We watched a movie where it was basically this woman going poop in a bathtub. Apparently, you can poop your pants while you are giving birth. This is because the baby, as it is making the journey to freedom, pushes on your small intestine. If you've got any leftover chocolate PowerBar hanging around, it gets squeezed out of your anus. I was laughing so hard inside I thought I was going to have a baby.

I learned about leukorrhea. It's like diarrhea but it's white instead of brown. And it comes from your vagina. (By your, I mean if you are a woman and pregnant, this will come out. If you are not a woman and/or not pregnant, I would rush to the hospital if I had leukorrhea).

I learned that my plan to welcome my daughter into the world might have to be put on hold. I previewed a "Welcome to the World" rock dance ensemble for the Boss. She was amused. I told her that I was planning to welcome my child into the world with some GNR: 'Sweet Child of Mine'. But today I learned that a soothing, calm environment facilitates in creating Oxytocin which helps in the labor process. It's basically Axl Rose vs Oxytocin. I think the Boss might have been disappointed that I'm thinking about cancelling the choreographed welcome.

I learned about different baby positions. Did you know that your baby could be born a transverstite?

I learned a lot about sphincters. This was a particularly difficult time in the class where I summoned all my willpower not to just die from laughing. I guess it helped that I drank 20 oz of hot chocolate that morning without taking enough milk pills. I was trying not to fart in class so that gave me something else to think about besides quotes like "…'horse lips' help the sphincters to open…" and laws that are titled: 'Sphincter's Law'. Seriously, what is the proper reaction to a talk that starts with: "We have sphincter muscles in the anus."

I learned about meconium. It's basically baby poop that gets on a baby because it poops into its own swimming pool.

I learned a lot today. And this is all before my daughter is born. I can't wait to see what I'll be able to learn when she's actually here.