Birther class

My future child will no doubt one day run for president. On that day, there will be millions that will claim that she is not a natural-born citizen of the United States. There will be some theories that will allege she was born in Kenya, not to US citizens living abroad, or that her birth certificate is a forgery. That may be the price my child will have to bear; I hope I can prepare her well for this.

I took an initial step into preparing myself for my child's grand entrance into the world. It is difficult, sometimes, to attend a class that is essentially about all the words I snicker to myself in private: pee pee, poo poo, vagina, penis, anus. But I was willing to bear this price for several reasons:

1. I know nothing about bearing children. I learned a lot today. I just needed some basic information on what to expect and how to know when to get the Boss to the hospital (and when to tell that she is just messing around).
2. I wanted to be able laugh, in an immature and junior-high like way, at the content.
3. I knew the three of you reading would find this amusing.

But I digress. We spent ten hours in class. It was good. My success is your success. Here's what I learned; now you don't have to go. (BTW, I recommend taking a birther class. It's way better than reading this blog entry.) If you want to know the fundamental, foundational basics about child birthing, though, here they are:

1. Go to the hospital when the contractions are around a minute long (or longer) and five minutes (or less) apart.
2. Decide what you'll do when you have an option for a cesarean and/or epidural.
3. Be nice to your wife.

The rest of the stuff is just icing on the cake.

I learned about how the baby is developing in it's own toilet. The teacher said: "The baby has it pretty good in there. It doesn't have to eat. It doesn't have to poo. The baby is actually peeing into a water balloon. Where does it go? No where." That doesn't sound good to me at all. If there are two things I like to do it's eating and pooing. Eating is one of the most awesome sports invented. This sport is so popular, it will be hard for you to find someone that doesn't know how to eat. Pooing is nice because it smells bad, which tells me what I ate was delicious (and made out of meat). It is also nice because it tells me that my body is ready to eat some more.

I learned that having a baby is basically like blowing your nose. "The cervix forms a booger that blocks stuff from getting to the baby.The cervix has cells that make mucus. Like your nose." A little bit later I was told that the booger comes out when your wife is ready to give birth: "The mucus plug looks like you've blown your nose." At this point I began considering 'Cervix' as a boy's name.

I also learned that having a baby is like going poop. We watched a movie where it was basically this woman going poop in a bathtub. Apparently, you can poop your pants while you are giving birth. This is because the baby, as it is making the journey to freedom, pushes on your small intestine. If you've got any leftover chocolate PowerBar hanging around, it gets squeezed out of your anus. I was laughing so hard inside I thought I was going to have a baby.

I learned about leukorrhea. It's like diarrhea but it's white instead of brown. And it comes from your vagina. (By your, I mean if you are a woman and pregnant, this will come out. If you are not a woman and/or not pregnant, I would rush to the hospital if I had leukorrhea).

I learned that my plan to welcome my daughter into the world might have to be put on hold. I previewed a "Welcome to the World" rock dance ensemble for the Boss. She was amused. I told her that I was planning to welcome my child into the world with some GNR: 'Sweet Child of Mine'. But today I learned that a soothing, calm environment facilitates in creating Oxytocin which helps in the labor process. It's basically Axl Rose vs Oxytocin. I think the Boss might have been disappointed that I'm thinking about cancelling the choreographed welcome.

I learned about different baby positions. Did you know that your baby could be born a transverstite?

I learned a lot about sphincters. This was a particularly difficult time in the class where I summoned all my willpower not to just die from laughing. I guess it helped that I drank 20 oz of hot chocolate that morning without taking enough milk pills. I was trying not to fart in class so that gave me something else to think about besides quotes like "…'horse lips' help the sphincters to open…" and laws that are titled: 'Sphincter's Law'. Seriously, what is the proper reaction to a talk that starts with: "We have sphincter muscles in the anus."

I learned about meconium. It's basically baby poop that gets on a baby because it poops into its own swimming pool.

I learned a lot today. And this is all before my daughter is born. I can't wait to see what I'll be able to learn when she's actually here.

Adventure

I'm going to be a dad soon. Well, maybe I'm a dad already. (Is it a pizza when you put your hand in the dough? Or is it a pizza only when it comes out the oven?) Right now, it's 4:22 am where I'm at. I'm having a tough time sleeping because the air is really thin (12,000 ft above sea level) and dry. The Rodent Geek and I took a road trip this weekend to see someone who trains people to program computers for his software development business. Here's a subset of experiences in the past 36 hours (in no particular order):

• Got caught in a yak jam. Our taxi had to navigate its way through a current of yak crossing the street.
• Tried to talk to a local who had poorer Mandarin than myself.
• Used an outhouse.
• Was told that if a Tibetan mastiff approaches me, I should pretend to pick up a rock and throw it at the dog. And don't stop making eye contact or it will bite me.
• Was told that boys can pee anywhere in the yard.
• Was told to just spit anywhere in the yard to finish brushing my teeth.
• Saw it snow. (In May!)
• Learned how to use a coal stove to heat a room.
• Saw some of the most beautiful rock formations. Maybe the Rodent Geek will supply me with some pictures.
• Met a new friend who found out we had the same last name and was greeted with praises at the news.

I have a profound admiration for the family that we are living with. Sometimes I'll get comments from people in the States about how they couldn't live where I'm living. This place makes our place look like we live in Orbit City. While it is pretty primitive, there's a lot of technology intertwined: surround speakers, a Wii, a wireless network. It's fascinating to see how this homestead is an amalgamation of technology, do-it-yourselfness, and ... camping, for lack of a better word.

It is amazing, encouraging, and humbling for me to know this family and to be a guest here. It was very difficult for us to get out here and I'm guessing the isolation here can be difficult. And yet, I sense a deep love that this family has for the people that live here. I suppose that this love is the driving motivation behind why someone would move thousands of miles from their home to live in an upgraded campground.

Despite not being able to sleep very well tonight, I am so grateful for this experience. Being grateful for the present is something that I've been learning. Even without a shower (it's not clear to me that I'll get one this weekend), using an outhouse, shoveling yak dung into a coal stove...all those things that a 'civilized' Westerner would look at with horror, I feel that this is an experience to be embraced. I don't know how many more opportunities I'll have like this. I'm sure that each stage of life has it's own treasures to enjoy... I'm definitely looking forward to the life of a father, but I also am enjoying embracing the now.

It's been a while since I've been on an adventure like this. I'm pretty excited.

My 'wall'

We live in a somewhat rundown, barely middle-class apartment complex. And I love it. The largest perk is that we feel like we live in a neighborhood. People know one another, people (for better or worse) talk about one another, people are connected together. It's like living Facebook. Some snippets on my 'wall':

[I'm riding back home from school on the Boss's electric bike and see Jay, one of the neighborhood kids walking home.]

Me: Oh hey Jay! Going home?
Jay: <sigh> Yeah.
Me: Do you want a ride home?
Jay: OK!
Me: Does your mom usually pick you up?
Jay: (embarrassed) Um, no. She makes me walk home. You don't need to give me a ride home...
Me: WHAT!? We're both going to the same place. Get on the back now!

[On the bike Jay tries to practice his English on me.]

Jay: <Where are you going?>
Me: (laugh)<I am going home. Where are *you* going?>
Jay: <I am going home too!>

Another time, the Boss and I came home and she had just purchased a bunch of pears. One of the kids, who is basically as bad as you can get without being a criminal just started school (he's wearing his school uniform).

Me: When did you start school?
Kid: Today! (Notices the pears). Can I have an apple?
Me: (laughs) (to the Boss in English) <He wants an apple.>
Me: (To the Kid) You can't have an apple. But you can have a pear. Do you want a pear?
Kid: Yes!
[Kid's mom comes up behind him.]
Mom: WHAT!? Why did you ask auntie for a pear!? Did you say thank you!? (to us) I'm so sorry.

This reminds me of when I was growing up and I would see adults with chips, candy, or something else that I would be deprived of in my cell block at home. When I'd ask for it, I'd always get the same lecture afterwards: "We're not poor! Don't go begging for food! We can get you candy if you want it!" Haha.

It's not easy to live in our neighborhood. Or in our country for that matter. But stuff like this makes it way easier.

Being in College

This semester I'm taking two "non-language" classes. The hope is that I'll be able to practice my listening and speaking in contexts that aren't exclusively language focused. This is, obviously, a little harder than my usual language class but it's more fun since I get to see language in action.

My first class was my computer science class. The first thing I noticed was the relationship between the teacher and the students. First, she lectured them about coming in on time (they still come in late). It's interesting how most of these students are 18 or 19 (or 20) but they still get treated like seniors or juniors in high school. There was this one point where she basically said: "I know you guys are all lazy..." and I totally snorted in class and these girls stared at me. Haha.

Second, a lot of the interaction reflects a rote learning style. The teacher asks a question, and if the answer is obvious, everyone answers in semi-unison. Or if the teacher is repeating a point, she'll ask a question and then proceed to answer it herself with everyone joining in unison.

There is a complete emphasis on practicality. This is fine, but when I was in college the emphasis was completely different. There was an attempt to make the concepts taught language agnostic and we used an "unpractical" language (Scheme) to get us to focus on the concepts instead of the implementation. The emphasis on practicality means that they talk a lot about C language constructs, how to use Borland's C compiler and the importance of programming in Windows. The computer lab totally reflects this emphasis on practicality: there's no internet access in it and the machines are all running these old (probably pirated) copies of XP with old copies of Visual FoxPro, Visual * programming tools, Borland, etc.

It made really thankful for UNIX and how I got started on UNIX; I felt a lot of the concepts and tools learned were useful in a way that transcended the specific idiosyncrasies of each tool. I certainly don't feel that way here.

As we think about developing relationships and possibly hiring here, it makes me a little apprehensive; there was a huge learning curve for me in going from the university to working. I appreciated the work ethic (e.g. staying up all night, being committed to deadlines, etc) that being at Cal gave me (I was a lazy bum in high school). With all the culturally acceptable plagiarism here as well as varying degrees of work ethic, I hope we can find the right folks to network with here.

Basketball class... that's for another post!

Happy Birthday

Hey Party people, it's been a long time. And when I say 'Party people', I mean 'Communist Party' people. Why? Well because it's their birthday! What!? You didn't know that October 1 is 国庆节？ Well now you know. Onto another topic: dads. Do you remember when you were young, you'd compare your dad to your friend's dad. "My dad drives a truck!" "Oh yeah!? My dad can fart silently and make it really smell!" So here's one that brings this post altogether: My dad is as old as China. I know, I know. You might be skeptical but check this (and wikipedia it). I wrote Dad to wish him a happy birthday. Here's a transcript: Hi Avery, Thank you We just got back from dinner for my BD. I was born on the same date the Communist China established a state. Oct 1, 1949. I am 62 now Dad Yeah, when I was around five or six, when I would mess up something or not take care of something my dad would try to emphasize that I should take care of it because it was older than me. I was really impressed. But as I got to about 10 I realized that the whole world was pretty much older than me. Happy Birthday Dad!

Family Portraits

One of the things we've been blessed with is the opportunity to put on an 'English Corner' for our neighborhood; it gives students a chance to practice english in a non-competitive, informal environment. I think it's really fun because it gives a break from learning language (even though there's a lot of translation going on) and it gives me an excuse to do anything, as long as it is in english! This is awesome because my english is pretty good.

We just had our final English Corner yesterday. We did a fashion show and it was pretty hilarious. Last month we had the kids practice introducing their family. We drew family portraits together. Here's a gallery of some of the entries:

Xacto said that my brother (guess which family portrait is mine…) looks like a hippy Homer Simpson. Haha.

I'm always telling the Boss that there's a great deal of hesitation in inviting a whole bunch of kids over. I always feel unenthused when I think about how none of them take off their shoes and where those shoes have been. I feel cranky sometimes trying to come up with fun things to do. But every time it's all over I feel pleasantly betrayed: I always come away thankful for the opportunity and I always feel like it was a really fun and joyful time. It's easy to live in a foreign bubble here; it challenges your mind and your heart to move out of your comfort zone to build relationships, and even then, there's no guarantee that there's someone on the other side wanting to build that relationship with you. That is what makes English Corner so awesome. For one night, I can tell that these kids really love hanging out here with us and speaking English, even if it's super poor, and it makes me feel honored to be a part of their lives.

World Cup vs NBA Finals

We don't have a TV. But before you cry for me, Argentina, it's actually not that bad. First of all, I didn't have to buy a TV. Second, I didn't have to buy a cable subscription. Third, TV here really isn't that great. It's mostly commercials. Sure, some of it is good language practice, but then my language would consist of Chinese commercial clichés. It would be like someone saying "Set it and forget it!" every time you started talking about cooking. Or they would always insist on paying everything in 10 easy payments of $19.95. And then quietly add that shipping and handling were not included. The only reason I would want to get TV is for sports. The NBA Finals, as we are speaking, are going on right now. Even though I'm kind of interested (and I could watch) I find it surprising that I'm much more interested in the World Cup. Part of the reason, I think, is that I've seen many Lakers vs Celtics NBA Finals. True, there is a desire for me to see Kobe denied again, but I've seen these two teams win it before. The World Cup on the other hand, is a completely unknown quantity to me. I played soccer in high school (translation: I rode the bench on varsity and got some garbage time as a senior) so I have an appreciation for the game, but I don't really follow American soccer. It's mostly because:

1. American soccer is played poorly. By poorly, I mean MLS soccer is pretty boring. The players aren't that skilled.
2. The best American players go overseas to play. Which increases the quality of MLS soccer, obviously.
3. The national team doesn't get together to play that often, because of individual professional obligations, so it's often difficult to follow. Usually the best mediocre American players are on the national team because all the best American players are away making money. But when the Olympics and the World Cup comes around, they somehow free up time to play. Probably because all their teammates are playing for their own national teams.

I think that's why I find the World Cup much more compelling. While I find Kobe crying about losing pretty significant, I'm more interested in some of these national rivalries. I mean, if you think about it, sports are just a proxy for war. We live in a more civilized age now; it's much better to embarrass other countries by kicking a ball into a net than dropping a bomb on their capital. Don't give me any of that "Friendship and Harmony of Countries Playing the World's Sport!" (I think that was the original motto for the first World Cup played in China). If they were really interested in that, they'd take all the players and randomly create teams from them. That would be awesome.

So while the Lakers/Celtics match-up bores me, here are some World Cup match-ups that totally spin my wheels:

1. North Korea vs South Korea. At half-time, I heard they are planning to a re-enactment of the sinking of the submarine. Complete with a giant parade balloon of Kim Jong-Il fighting Godzilla.
2. North Korea vs USA. If North Korea wins I can see the Pyongyang headlines now: "Dear Leader's urine-laced sports drink enables defeat of evil imperial forces!"
3. New Zealand vs Australia. It's like Eli Manning vs Peyton Manning. You're either happy because you know one of them has to lose or you are happy because you know one of them has to win.
4. Algeria vs Egypt. Egypt's not in, but that doesn't mean I can't dream. There's this bitter rivalry between the two. This makes for a more exciting game because that means the players will be more focused on fighting one another rather than playing the game.

If you're looking for a good primer to the teams, Jeff Blum's World Cup Preview is a great start.

Dancin' on the train

The word awesome, methinks, does this video injustice on the grandest scale. If you saw this video, you would immediately tell your two friends to watch it too. Enjoy!

Dropbox dropped

I just discovered that Dropbox, maybe the most useful piece of cloud software ever, is blocked here. This doesn't matter so much to people that use VPNs or tunnels, but it is an interesting event. I can understand the political/social motivations for blocking things like Blogspot, Twitter, Youtube, and Facebook. It's not really clear to me why you would want to block Dropbox. Is Dropbox being used in ways that are perceived to undermine the government? I just use it for syncing files between two computers. Two computers that I own. I promise!

UPDATE 1

I posted this article to Hacker News. It's basically a voting site for nerdy news articles. A couple of observations. First, the number of Nerd Points (Hacker News, or HN, likes to call them 'karma') I had this morning was 0. Now I'm up to 167. You get points for posting and commenting. If people like your comments or articles you get even more points.

Second, it's been about 7 hours and the article is still at the top. I think the article rank system is something like highest points/minute or something like that. This is the second time I've been famous in the last 30 days! The first time was even nerdier than this. The truth of the matter is that I'm totally envious of all the cool internerds that everyone pays attention to. Maybe one day I'll be invited to the lunch table. I'll probably have to say something or do something better than posting articles on HN. Update 2 It's no longer number 1 but now I have enough Nerd Points to downvote other people. Yay! Some seriouser thoughts on this: • This is most likely related to viewing Dropbox as a source of information sharing that cannot be controlled. It is a testament to Dropbox's influence, that the government would see DB as a threat. Until DB can promise the government a sufficient amount of control over the content shared, they won't be allowed to be accessed here. (See Google) • Up until this point, the whole Google fiasco has been settled quite well.

1. Google didn't want to remain in China and be forced to censor content. Check.
2. China didn't want to make an exception. Check.
3. Google still has a presence in China and doesn't have to filter its content. China hasn't lost face and been forced to make an exception. Check.

Even though it's not ideal and the service gets blocked sometimes, I sense that China and Google came to an agreement together that Google's move to Hong Kong would be the most appropriate thing to accomplish the two seemingly contradictory goals. You will note that if China didn't want Google at all, they would've blocked Google in HK from day one. That's not to say that Google will never be blocked, but at this point it's safe to say that the government does not see Google as a big enough threat to warrant being blocked. • Could DB do something similar? Maybe. It seems that DB would have to reach out to the Chinese government and cooperate to some degree in a sign to show that there is a desire to be in China. Then, like Google, they could choose to pull out to HK, where hopefully there would continue to be this unspoken agreement to let foreign companies be. This might backfire in that the government might just pull the plug on all foreign companies in HK, feeling that the initial overtures were superficial and that there was just a desire to be given a certain level of access in China without having to abide by the other stipulations that other companies have. If DB chooses to cooperate, this would lead to some form of censorship (either by DB, the government, or by the users themselves) thus defeating some of the benefit of using DB. DB is fundamentally different from the service that Google offers, though, so following Google's path might not work. • This whole thing makes me sad. Chinese culture is fundamentally different from Western culture. That doesn't justify certain things but you'll have to talk to people (real people…not just read chinaSMACK) to understand better some of the reasons for these policies. The point is, though, that the Chinese government is dealing with a different set of problems with a different set of values than other Western governments. Until there are some changes in the problems or in the values, we'll continue to see different permutations of these kinds of policies. I've also seen a pattern of non-risk taking behavior here. Policies like these discourage people take chances at producing great ideas. Most Chinese comp sci students want to get a good job at a stable company. From what I have seen, and I'm still learning a lot about tech here, the lack of the entrepreneurial spirit is related to a lack in the quality of programming. There isn't the same kind of cut-throat competition that I've seen in the States and this leads to less motivation for learning the best (or better) way to do things. There are obvious exceptions to this, but in general, the motivation for someone to set up their own business is very low. It's too risky.

Loving commercials

Most of the time, when it comes to ads, I want to run away like girls ran away from me in kindergarten. And the way they ran away from me in elementary school. And in junior high. And in high school. And in college. But I digress.

The reason why people have stuff like Ad-blocker is because they don't want to see the ads. It might seem obvious but that is the biggest reason why people want to block your ads. It's because your ad sucks. So, actually it doesn't matter if people see them or not, if your ad is uncompelling no one will want to click on it and view it. But if it is compelling then I'll want to see it no matter what.

Case in point. I run a Flash blocker when I use Safari. For the most part I find that most things Flash are just ads. Unless I go specifically to watch a video or play a game, I don't want Flash running around in my browser. But there was one time, the Flash blocker stuttered and allowed me to see a quick picture of the Ivan Brothers. They're a Capital One ad campaign and I spent some time trying to figure out who they were and what they were about.

Which brings us, gentle reader, to the amazing point which you have breathlessly waited for. Chinese people get this stuff. Or at least some of them do. I found that a lot of the ads that I see on TV are actually 30-second pieces of a longer production. For example, this Nissan commercial. Ads should be interesting; that's why they are created, to garner interest for your product. When they suck, like most ads do, people want to run away. But when they're awesome, I'm willing to watch it for more than 30 seconds.

Wind Bathing

My language class is diverse; we have students that are not only from different countries but are also from different age groups. One of my classmates is an older man from Korea (OMFK). Interacting with folks from different corners of the world is fun and interesting. Sometimes it is mind-boggling. Today was mind-boggling in the most awkward way. And for me to say that is saying a lot. Here's the almost instant replay. By the way, I know you can't read characters. I also know you can't read pinyin. If you could read characters and pinyin, I would write this story using characters and/or pinyin. But you can't, so I won't try to impress you with symbols that mean nothing to you or a string of latin characters that you would mispronounce anyway. Thus, I will relay this story to you in the language that you and I know best, good ol' American English. (Yes, I know that's a misnomer.) Without further ado: Teacher (T): OK, so what are other ways we can exercise. What about you OMFK? OMFK: Um. Well sometimes I like to "wind bathe". T: Hrm. "Wind bathe"? I've never heard of that. I've heard of people sun-bathing. What is "wind bathing"? [At this point, I'm confused and I'm frantically looking in my electronic dictionary. I can find the two characters but nothing is coming up.] Me (English) [To my American classmate]: Hey what does that mean? Classmate (English): Um. To take a wind bath. I have no idea. [So, at this point, I'm thinking I heard wrong. Everyone looks to OMFK for an explanation. His language is mediocre, so he's trying, with some difficulty, to explain.] OMFK: It's when you take off your clothes? T: Um. Huh? Me: Huh? What do you mean? OMFK: And you do exercises in front of an open window. It comes from Europe. It's really good for you. T: Ah. So for OMFK, he likes to exercise by wearing a minimal amount of clothes while... OMFK: No, NO clothes. [Awkard silence] T: No clothes while doing exercise. OMFK: Yes. It is very healthy. All I had in my mind was a picture of a naked man doing aerobic exercises IN FRONT OF A WINDOW ACROSS FROM MY OWN APARTMENT WHERE I COULD SEE HIM! I can understand doing the wind bathing...but surely you can put up some barriers for some privacy right? But I guess that would block the wind. And it would also block an opportunity for me to feel very uncomfortable.

The iPad Killer

The other day my pocket got picked. I ended up losing my wallet, which was a sad thing, but this event put me into a market for an item that I hadn't truly considered. If you know me well, (or if you know me superificially), you'll know that I'm a forgetful person. The statement itself isn't completely true. The truth is, if I consider something important, I'll spend a lot of time thinking about it, and thus, I won't forget it. Like our taxes. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I could give money to my Uncle Sam, so I didn't forget that it was due on April 15th. But things like 'where my wallet is' gets a little less air time on WVRY (combination talk-show/Top 40 format). So there's been a lot of talk about the iPad these days. I'd like to introduce you to the iManPurse. This is part of my ongoing personal development journey. I'm not the same man that I was yestergay, so there's no real shame in pursuing new and different ways of living. Right? So what's an iManPurse? And how does it compare to an iPad? First of all, it's called an iMP. Just so you know. Similar to the iPad, the iMP can fit any kind of lifestyle. What we were looking for, in this case, was something that could complement the Coolness of Active Lifestyle. If this phrase seems strange, it is because it *is* strange. No matter, folks here seem to ignore English taglines anyways. So while you could get an iMP that reflected Luxury in Ageless Fashion or Fitness Mountain Tribes, I finally picked this one:

So right now it's a draw between the iPad and iMP since, I heard, you can customize your iPad by buying different apps. Whatever that means. Well let's look at battery life. The iPad gets 10 hours on every recharge. The saleslady told me that the iMP never needs recharging. Point goes to iMP. What about email? Well the iMP can carry your iPhone AND your letters from the post office. The iPad...can't carry your iPhone but it can carry your email. But it can't carry your letters from the post office. Point goes to iMP

When I touch my iMP I don't leave all sorts of nasty smudge marks everywhere. So I guess point goes to iMP here too. For cost, well I got my iMP plus a free wallet thrown in for $6.71. For the price of an iPad I could've had 74 differen iMPs. Think of all the possibilites: a jacket made of iMPs, a luxurious towel, and then maybe some handy briefs. (I don't think anyone would want to pick that pocket.)

This pretty much puts the iMP in the Top 10 Greatest Devices of All Time. I leave you with some action photos of the iMP in action.

Nice try! My wallet wasn't in my back pocket!

Check out this active lifestyle!

I ♥ iMP

The Museum

The merciless sun beats down in mid-August, what should I do? (Yeah, this post is a little late. But think of it as a preview for this coming summer). Normally, I might go to a mall or a local Starbucks during the hellish heat of summer. There I can enjoy someone else's air-conditioning in a clean, relaxing atmosphere, all at a low, low price of free. In this city, it's hard to find such places. But there is one that I've found that I love. It is the museum.

The museum is awesome. It's so quiet and clean. I contemplated moving me and the Boss into the museum. It'd be something like the Mixed-up Files of Mrs Basil E Frankweiler; we'd hide in the bathroom, and then drink the super clean water and sleep on the ancient beds on display. 

But wait… what's this? It looks like a picture of a mighty warrior, getting ready for battle. And is that what I think it is on his head? A Mullet!? (Out of respect for this awesome hairstyle, I will capitalize it). This is where the culture of the museum really shines. I can think of all the derogatory things that people say about the Mullet, little do they know that the Mullet transcends culture. It is the hairstyle of choice for warriors all over the world. See how his visage (I have no idea who this guy is) casts fear in your heart and as your eyes trail to his long flowing mane you are reminded of a flaming ball of fire. Totally sweet.

If you ever come and visit, I'll be sure to take you to this free, clean, cool place where Mullets aren't just respected, they are glorified.

Knowing everyone

It's been more than a month since I last wrote. I was tempted to make a New Year's resolution to write more, but that would've meant:

1. I'd be obligated to write. I hate writing when I have to. I write here because I want to.
2. I'd have to come up with something to write about on a regular basis. I could write about my life, but who wants to read about that? Oh wait, the five of you.
3. The five of you would stop checking here on a semi-regular basis; you'd only check on the days you would know that I committed to write. Oh wait, you all use newsreaders so you don't need to check.

I've spent the last month and half in a flurry of activity. First there was preparing for the year-end language test. That was hard but I think I managed to pass. They never tell you, but somehow they manage to sign you up for the next semester! Then for the last month or so I've been working on a software project. It's been a lot of work. And things haven't turned out exactly like I thought but it's been good doing software development again. So were here at this overpriced bubble-tea/snack cafe. They have "free" wireless here. Which means wireless costs ¥30 and they'll throw in a free bubble tea drink. Except I had to buy the Boss one too, so it's really ¥60 for wireless and they'll give you two free bubble teas. One of the things I've been noticing, especially here in Guangzhou, is how weirded out I get when I see people who are foreigners but I don't know them. I feel like there's this psychological expectation that if I see someone that isn't Chinese, I should know them. It reminds me of one of my pet peeves growing up. Whenever I'd be in the car with my dad and he'd see someone about my age, he would ask me: "Who is that?" Always. I'd give him a look and say: "I don't know! Just because they look like they're my age doesn't mean I know them!" I think my dad was convinced of one of the following (or perhaps both):

1. I was the most well-connected, popular kid ever, and thus, knew everyone my age.
2. We lived in a small village.

As I look back, I realize I'm fulfilling my dad's expectation of myself. Scary. And sad. :)

Party in the PRC

When I first arrived here, my classmate, who hails from Chicagorlando, asked me what was popular in the States. "I never know what's popular, " she explained, "I feel like I'm always behind the times." That's definitely me with music (but not just music). Not that I was so into music in the States. I'm no music aficionado: my music standards follow what is on the radio or what my friends introduce me to. With the power of the internet, though, I no longer have to be a pop song ignoramus. I think I'm about 3 months off of the most popular music now. Listening to Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" (see what I said about music standards?) led me to consider buying it off of Amazon's MP3 site. This is where I found an interesting phenomenon. People will make covers of popular songs and try to trick others into buying the covers under the pretense that is the original song. One of the best is by Miles Cyrus. The lyrics are slightly different and the vocal quality is more than slightly worse. This combination makes it a tempting purchase. In the spirit of all these covers, I present my five readers my version, "Party in the PRC". If someone buys the DJ instrumental track and the Miles Cyrus version (c'mon, he put some work into it) off of Amazon and gives it to me, I will also record myself singing over this. Party in the PRC I hopped off the cab at Xingmingyuan With my wife and a stupid grin Welcome to the land of the Chinese, (woah) Am I gonna fit in? Jumped on my bike, Here I am for the first time Look to the right and I see a Chinese sign This is all so crazy Nobody here speaks English! My tummys turnin' and I'm feelin kinda sick Too much spice that they serve us, Then KFC turned up their radio and a Backstreet song was on and a Backstreet song was on and a Backstreet song was on CHORUS: So I put my hands up They’re playing my song, And the butterflies fly away Noddin’ my head like yeah Moving my hips like yeah, And I got my hands up, They’re playin my song All the Chinese are looking at me! Yeah, it's a party in the PRC Yeah, it's a party in the PRC Get to the school on my bicycle Everybody's lookin at me now Like “Whos that guy who can't speak? He's gotta be from out of town” So hard with squatties all around me Its definitely not a Western potty Cause’ all I see is big holes I guess I never got the memo My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda sick Too much spice that they serve us, Then KFC turned up their radio and a Britney song was on and a Britney song was on and a Britney song was on CHORUS BRIDGE: Feel like hoppin' on a flight (on a flight) Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight) Something stops me everytime (everytime) KFC plays my song and I feel alright! CHORUS

Winning

We had just finished playing a night game of flag football. Derek broke the silence: “That was pretty fun.” “Eh,” I replied. “I mean, it was competitive. It was fun,” he countered. “Yeah, but we didn’t win,” I said. I told him I would rather win than have a competitive game. As we got back to the apartment he asked me, “So would you rather play a group of mentally handicapped elementary school children and win or play a…” He didn’t even get to finish.

“Retarded kids.”

I love to win. And I don’t just like to win. I like to win big. I don’t like playing games where somebody says stuff like: “Well, if you didn’t get the soldier card, I would’ve won.” Or “If the ref didn’t give you that call, we would’ve won.” That’s why I play games like Starcraft where I like to pummel the computer into oblivion, setting up myself against myriads of Zerg, knowing they have not a chance as I set up a wall of Supply Depots and Siege Tanks. I laugh as I see the computer futilely throw waves upon waves of aliens against my small force of brave soldiers, knowing that my puny brain has made a fool of this calculating machine. That’s why I love playing Hordes of Orcs and watching these orcs run around, getting whacked by my awesome maze, sending them back and forth, looking for relief from my deadly assortment of ice towers, nuclear cannons, and flame throwers.

Part of this perverse delight comes from wanting there to be no doubt of victory, but I can’t decide whether I like winning that much or I hate losing that much. I think another part of not liking to play close games is that not only is there a chance of losing, but also you have to elevate your play. I start getting too serious and not enjoying myself. There’s not a lot of room for error when the game is close, so it requires more concentration, more effort, and more dependence on others. There’s not a lot of room for running triple reverses, “the star” formation, or trying to get everyone a touch on the ball. I start getting upset about the little things, since it’s the little things that start to matter. I actually hate watching athletes complain and whine about calls or even participate in games where people argue about technicalities of the game or even lie about what happened in order to gain some advantage. It makes the game less fun.

True, I enjoy watching a close game; it’s a lot more exciting than a blow out. Especially if your team comes from behind to win. But when it comes to playing games, I’d rather win big. So why is this relevant?

A couple of days ago I got out of language class. One of our neighbors had just gotten out of school too and was heading home for lunch. We were both on our bikes and at the stop light I began talking to him a little. As we rode towards home he started laughing and began pedaling faster. Sigh. Foolish boy. For a second I thought about how it would be fun for him to beat me, but this was after I had parked and locked my bike, beating him to the bike garage by 20 seconds.

Magical Games

When I was a full-time programmer, I used to live in a bachelor pad in Union City. My friend Josh had purchased a house in a cul-de-sac and had put up a basketball hoop in the street. It was awesome. After a hard day's work, I'd load up the iPod, get my basketball gear on, and just go out and shoot. One of the benefits was that it really improved my shot, but the thing I enjoyed most was just the quiet rhythm of shooting. Sometimes it's hard to start a game here. Alot of the time it's because I'm not really sure what the rules are in starting a game. Plus, sometimes it's hard for people to want to play with the foreigner, especially since they can't tell he's a foreigner. He's just some weird Chinese looking dude that has an obvious language problem. So today I decided that I'd go out for shooting practice. I was all ready to find a court for myself. No need to try and get picked or to be invited to play. There weren't any free courts but I saw a guy that was just shooting around by himself. I decided to join him. Things were going fine…dribble, dribble, shoot. I found myself really enjoying the introversion that shooting with an iPod plugged into the brain provided. All of a sudden one guy shows up. He starts helping himself to the balls and joining in the shooting. Then another guy shows up. Then still another guy with two of his friends. All of a sudden I'm in a game. I thought it was hilarious. When I try to get picked up for a game, sometimes I had to wait for a long time. When I try to just shootaround by myself, games magically form around me.

Football and Me

I've been pretty sick lately, thus the dearth of posts. I was sick for a week in early September, but now I just have a lingering cough. The Boss got sick too, but she's better now. There's the oink-oink flu scare here, so having a fever isn't good. Fortunately, we're both better now. :) (I got asked if my Boss had a fever by one of our school officials. I told her no. Which was true since she didn't have a fever when we took the Boss' temperature that morning. I wasn't going to tell her that the Boss had a fever the night before.)

I love football. I love playing football. I love watching football. I love listening to football but that's not as good as watching or playing. I thought about how to get my football fix out here. There has been some talk of getting a Slingbox , but, for now, I'm gonna do it old-school like it was when I was in elementary school. I'm just going to listen to the radio. I decided to record the Cal Bear stream and then listen to it later. For all you folks in country who care about football (currently, none of my readership) here's how to do it (on a Mac).

1. Make sure whatever team your following has a radio broadcast that they stream online. If you're a Cal Bear or Niner fan, you're in luck! Joe Starkey still broadcasts for Cal on KGO 810 and the Niners are on KNBR 680. Look for radio streaming.
   
2. Put the radio stream in iTunes.
   
3. Figure out what time your team is playing and let iTunes run. (Don't forget the timezone change!)
   
4. Schedule WireTap Pro (yeah, it's not free, but it's a great program!) to start recording at that time. Set it to record for 4 hours.
   
5. Go to bed.
   

So I did this last night for the Cal-Ducks game. I woke up, terribly excited. Like a small child that desperately needed to go pee, I sat in front of the computer clicking nervously, listening to the broadcast. As I began listening, I faced a moral dilemma: should I go and see if Cal won?

In college, I would get depressed after watching my teams (9ers and Bears) lose. I would just go to my room and mope. Sometimes I would play hours and hours of Eradicator or Quake just to dull the pain. So it's really difficult for me to choose to watch my team lose.

I decided to listen to it without the benefit of pre-knowledge. This is one benefit of living in a significantly different time-zone that is ahead: you feel like you are living in the future and that you have mutant super-powers. But I wanted to make sure I got the whole game, so I clicked to the end; that was my undoing. Joe Starkey spoke solemnly of the need for the coaches to convince the players that this was an aberration. You usually don't speak that way of a team if they had won. Since I knew they had lost I went and checked the scoreboard. They got blown out!

I am not one of those who enjoys watching the suffering of small puppies. Sigh. I don't think I can stand listening to my team getting blown out. So there goes part of my plans for today.

Transformers 3

One of the amusing (or I suppose, not amusing, if you're a movie executive) things about this country was how quickly I saw Transformers 2 DVDs, BEFORE the movie even finished showing. (I think it's showing at the local theater, but I also think it's Mandarin only). What most foreigners don't know, though, is that there are actual Transformers here in this city. I took pictures of several and I even saw a mini-van Autobot.

I spotted this Decepticon right outside of the police station. I don't think that the police knew that Decepticons are more than just F-15 fighters!

Here is an Autobot in our bike garage. I'm glad it's guarding my bike.

And finally, there are even motorcycle police Autobots. Which makes the first picture even weirder because you would've thought that Autobots would recognize Decepticons. Overall, I think the number of Decepticons and Autobots are pretty even in this city. Which is a good thing I guess. :)

Happy birthday to me

I am 31. Which means I am officially old. But because I live in the future I am able to tell you what I did on my birthday even though it is still my birthday. It was a pretty normal day. EXCEPT THAT IT WAS THE DAY THAT I WAS BORN. This made it the awesomest day ever in the history of days. First, I got to play around on the computer. Then, I got to hang out with Chipmunkgeek for almost 2 hours! After that, I ate lunch with the Boss. It was a delicious meal of soup, noodles, and chicken salad. I proceeded to take a luxurious 4 hour nap. Upon waking, we went around town. First went to the street market, looking for a birthday mug. Then we went to the hip-hop store to get a birthday hat. After that we went downtown where we ate roast duck! Yum. If you know me, you will know that I lack many things, but one of the biggest things I lack is discipline. I am trying to be more disciplined this year. I'll let you know how it goes!