How to give birth

Giving birth is so easy. Millions of women do it every day. If you are a woman and trying to learn how to give birth, I recommend googling "How to give birth". For the rest of us, I am writing this for you.

The Wolf in her natural habitat. Eyes closed means she is thinking about how to wake me up at 3 am.

As a side note, I am a new dad. When people have children, sometimes everything becomes centered around their new child. They start taking pictures when they never took pictures before. They start wearing onesies and drinking breast-milk. The blogs that they started to write about their own lives magically transform into an unauthorized biography on someone learning to poop in a large porcelain bowl. This is understandable. But fear not, faithful reader, I will be faithful to you in the purposes of this blog. This blog is about me. Sometimes I will write something about the Wolf. But when I do it will be about mostly about me and not so much about her.

But onto how to give birth. The following are rules that I've learned about giving birth.

Place towels on the floor. When the Baby Factory is in labor, she is very juicy. So that you do not slip and fall, please place towels everywhere. Is this disgusting? Yes. Will it save your life? Maybe.

Welcome your new family member with open arms. What? You think I am talking about the new child? I am not. I am talking about the new relationship that you will have that will save your marriage and prevent your uterus from exploding. (Yes, men have uteruses too. They are spiritual uteruses and they're somewhere in between your stomach and your bladder.) I am talking about our friend Epidural, a friend so kind and gracious that we've made him an official family member! "But wait," you object, "isn't Epidural bad for the baby? It's an unnatural way to give birth!" Friend, do you know what is unnatural? The screams of pain that convulse in the bowels of the uterus that shatter your eardrums. If you have no nerves in your uterus, then I heartily congratulate you and encourage you not to have one. But for the rest of us (men included), I will openly welcome the needle in the spine. Coincidentally I try to have one everyday to dull the pain of the Wolf howling in my brain.

Learn to lie. Sometimes, when the Baby Factory is at work, she will say stuff like: "I'm never going to have this baby." or stuff like: "I can't go on." At this point it is best to say encouraging things like:

• "What? It's about to come out. Don't give up now!"
• "This is the last push you'll have to do" (and then mumble quickly, "For the next 20 seconds").
• "No, no. I know you have enough energy. Here, I'll push with you." This is actually really weird but if it works, then say it.

Honestly, at this point, your job is to make sure that she just keeps pushing. So this is one of those times in life where you can say anything as long as it accomplishes your means.

The baby is freakishly scary right after giving birth. The Wolf was all bloody and screaming and blue. Did I want to hold her? No. Is that mean? No. I did want to hold her after they had sterilized her, changed her color, and gave me earplugs, but the Baby Factory got to hold her first. I am not sorry that I did not hold her right after birth. Really gross. And yes, I accept the award for 'Worst Father Ever'.

I get really grumpy if I don't have enough sleep. The Boss has noted that I am supernaturally grumpy. This, I think, is my gift. But I get really grumpy when I don't get enough sleep. The Wolf enhances my superpower.

All in all, a very successful time at the hospital. I got to watch a lot of t.v. and eat some pretty decent food. If you've come to the end of this entry (which you have because you are reading this right now), you now know everything I know about what it is like to give birth. Congratulations.