Birther class

My future child will no doubt one day run for president. On that day, there will be millions that will claim that she is not a natural-born citizen of the United States. There will be some theories that will allege she was born in Kenya, not to US citizens living abroad, or that her birth certificate is a forgery. That may be the price my child will have to bear; I hope I can prepare her well for this.

I took an initial step into preparing myself for my child's grand entrance into the world. It is difficult, sometimes, to attend a class that is essentially about all the words I snicker to myself in private: pee pee, poo poo, vagina, penis, anus. But I was willing to bear this price for several reasons:

1. I know nothing about bearing children. I learned a lot today. I just needed some basic information on what to expect and how to know when to get the Boss to the hospital (and when to tell that she is just messing around).
2. I wanted to be able laugh, in an immature and junior-high like way, at the content.
3. I knew the three of you reading would find this amusing.

But I digress. We spent ten hours in class. It was good. My success is your success. Here's what I learned; now you don't have to go. (BTW, I recommend taking a birther class. It's way better than reading this blog entry.) If you want to know the fundamental, foundational basics about child birthing, though, here they are:

1. Go to the hospital when the contractions are around a minute long (or longer) and five minutes (or less) apart.
2. Decide what you'll do when you have an option for a cesarean and/or epidural.
3. Be nice to your wife.

The rest of the stuff is just icing on the cake.

I learned about how the baby is developing in it's own toilet. The teacher said: "The baby has it pretty good in there. It doesn't have to eat. It doesn't have to poo. The baby is actually peeing into a water balloon. Where does it go? No where." That doesn't sound good to me at all. If there are two things I like to do it's eating and pooing. Eating is one of the most awesome sports invented. This sport is so popular, it will be hard for you to find someone that doesn't know how to eat. Pooing is nice because it smells bad, which tells me what I ate was delicious (and made out of meat). It is also nice because it tells me that my body is ready to eat some more.

I learned that having a baby is basically like blowing your nose. "The cervix forms a booger that blocks stuff from getting to the baby.The cervix has cells that make mucus. Like your nose." A little bit later I was told that the booger comes out when your wife is ready to give birth: "The mucus plug looks like you've blown your nose." At this point I began considering 'Cervix' as a boy's name.

I also learned that having a baby is like going poop. We watched a movie where it was basically this woman going poop in a bathtub. Apparently, you can poop your pants while you are giving birth. This is because the baby, as it is making the journey to freedom, pushes on your small intestine. If you've got any leftover chocolate PowerBar hanging around, it gets squeezed out of your anus. I was laughing so hard inside I thought I was going to have a baby.

I learned about leukorrhea. It's like diarrhea but it's white instead of brown. And it comes from your vagina. (By your, I mean if you are a woman and pregnant, this will come out. If you are not a woman and/or not pregnant, I would rush to the hospital if I had leukorrhea).

I learned that my plan to welcome my daughter into the world might have to be put on hold. I previewed a "Welcome to the World" rock dance ensemble for the Boss. She was amused. I told her that I was planning to welcome my child into the world with some GNR: 'Sweet Child of Mine'. But today I learned that a soothing, calm environment facilitates in creating Oxytocin which helps in the labor process. It's basically Axl Rose vs Oxytocin. I think the Boss might have been disappointed that I'm thinking about cancelling the choreographed welcome.

I learned about different baby positions. Did you know that your baby could be born a transverstite?

I learned a lot about sphincters. This was a particularly difficult time in the class where I summoned all my willpower not to just die from laughing. I guess it helped that I drank 20 oz of hot chocolate that morning without taking enough milk pills. I was trying not to fart in class so that gave me something else to think about besides quotes like "…'horse lips' help the sphincters to open…" and laws that are titled: 'Sphincter's Law'. Seriously, what is the proper reaction to a talk that starts with: "We have sphincter muscles in the anus."

I learned about meconium. It's basically baby poop that gets on a baby because it poops into its own swimming pool.

I learned a lot today. And this is all before my daughter is born. I can't wait to see what I'll be able to learn when she's actually here.