Food poisoning: the sport

I received some feedback asking me what food poisoning as an Olympic sport would be like. We completely leave the world of judging to the lame events; this is going to be one of the central events of the Olympics so it needs to have a proper amount of objectivity in determining the winner.

For food poisoning, then, what determines the winner? Is it amount of material ejected? From which end? Do we combine both ends? Do we use the same kind of food? (Or, should I say: 'food'?) Is this a test of endurance or a test of speed?

The small-minded will spend hours poring over these different dimensions. But the visionaries among us will look at the current Olympics and realize that we can split this into multiple events! Here is a partial list of events in my mind:

1) 100 m dash. After eating a standard meal (it would be the same thing for everyone) you have to diarrhea a line that is 100 m long as fast as you can. There cannot be a space between spurts more than a meter long. This tests foot speed, pass-through-the-colon speed, and determination.

2) Hurling. Like the name suggests, after eating as much of a poisoned food product, you would see how far you could throw up.

3) Spurting. Like the above except the other end.

There's actually a lot more in my brain. I wrote out a number of them, but deleted them all because some things should actually stay in my brain and not on the internet.