A real sport

I hate all competitions that are judged. I use the word 'competition' instead of 'sport' because I don't consider such affronts to sportdom as sport. That's not to say that I don't think things like gymnastics, ice skating, and 'Dancing with the Stars' demand a high-level of athleticism, but there's something wrong when the winner of a competition is selected because the Russian judge got paid off.

In the past 24 hours, I've had the privilege of taking part in an event that I consider a true sport. It tests one's courage and determination, and has been the most physically painful thing that I've done in recent memory: battling with food poisoning.

Our journey begins at about 7 pm, New Year's Eve. I have a heaping bowl of spaghetti, with some suspect ground beef. Beef and I have been friends for a long time so I suspect nothing. The fool says in his heart that beef won't hurt him.

10:12 pm: I am playing Settlers of Catan, feeling a little gassy, but that's normal for me. No worries.
11:10 pm: I am playing this dancing game on the Wii. Feeling a little more uncomfortable, but whatever.
12:01 am: We're going around sharing highlights/lowlights from 2010. I feel like I'm experiencing my lowlight of 2011; I want to throw up and diarrhea at the same time. The boss and I go home.
12:43 am: I try to throw up for 4 minutes. I throw up on the fifth minute. Lots of tomato and parmesan cheese. This completely exhausts me. In high school I'd run track. Mondays were the worst because we'd do these 200 meter sprints. Eight of them. At the end of the eighth one I'd be so tired that every thing I looked at was tinged blue and I just wanted to take a nap. One time I took a nap for an hour after the workout. This was worse than that. I had no energy left after throwing up.
1:00 am: I have this intense fever. My legs ache uncontrollably. I'm really tired though so I want to go to sleep but I can't because of all the pain. I can't decide which is worse: the aching from the fever or the fact that there's something in my stomach that wants to get out. I try to throw up but can't. I don't sleep for the rest of the night. I just toss and turn. Sometimes my legs cramp up from the aching.
8:00 am: I finally fall asleep.
1:36 pm: I wake up and have diarrhea every 10 minutes for the next half hour. I have no energy left; it takes all of my concentration to walk over to the toilet and do the deed.

So I didn't die (at least not yet), even though I considered going to the hospital at different points. I don't ever remember having food poisoning like this before. It's awesome that I survived. I think this should be an Olympic sport.